Conversations with a preschooler

Here’s what you need to know: I’m not the greatest with children. I mean, I don’t accidentally drop them into bodies of water or anything, it’s just that I can’t for the life of me hold a decent conversation with them. I tend to try and reason with kids as if they were fully functioning adults, which is about as effective as trying to give a cat directions to the mall. It just doesn’t work.

So. I have a 3-year-old nephew who steadfastly refuses to acknowledge my name. Oh, he knows my name. It’s been drilled into the kid. He just won’t say it out loud. As you can imagine, this leads to some lively debates on the sporadic occasions we share a backseat:

Damien, apropos of nothing: You’re a pancakehead!
Me: Excuse me? I – I don’t think that’s accurate.
Damien: You’re a pancakehead!
Me: …How dare you. I’ll have you know –
Damien: You’re a bee!
Me: I am not a bee. I think that’s pretty clear to everyone in this car.
Damien: Bee!
Me: Oh really? Because I find it hard to trust the ramblings of someone with drool over EVERY INCH OF HIS FACE.
(Many failed scoldings later)
Me: Okay, let’s review. What’s my name?
Damien: School bus!
Me: Damien, so help me God…
Damien: School bus!
Damien: Paul.

And then I crashed out the window and hurled myself in front of a bus. The end.



  1. At least he didn’t call you Taco! I would have to disagree that you cannot converse with children .. Haley will attest to that! After all, you have been her favorite person since, well.. .since forever!

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