The Worst Harry Potter Calendar In Existence

I’m not one to complain if you give me an awful Christmas present (well, not to your face). Hell, I’m thankful to even get gifts in the first place, as I know there are many in the world who are less fortunate than I. And I know that the giver of this gift (my dad, bless his heart) had nothing but good intentions when he purchased it; and since I love Harry Potter, he was certainly on the right track. And to his credit, the terribleness is in no way obvious at first or even second glance.

But oh, girl.

Here is what the cover looks like:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 12-month 2012 Calendar, is what it says. So I can expect a world of dark whimsy, full of the characters I love, in many fantastical and colorful situations, and with a useful calendar to boot, right?

“HAHAHA SUCK IT YOU SUCKAAA!” is the calendar’s response to this.

For one thing, this glorified pile of kindling is barely a calendar. I give you January:

Yep, there it is, in the bottom left corner: a 1.5″x3″ box of numbers that in some infinitesimal way resembles a calendar. Oh, did you want holidays? Well there they are under the dates, in an ever-so-helpful list form. What day does the the first day of summer fall on? I sure as hell don’t know, but I do know that it’s sometime between Father’s Day and St. Jean Baptiste Day (Quebec)!

Inability to live up to the very definition of “calendar” notwithstanding, the crimes continue. Let’s move on to the photos, shall we? On to those wonderful characters I love so much! Why, there’s Harry! And Ron! And Draco! And…okay, Harry again…well, that’s to be expected, it’s his series…and more Ron! And more Draco. Wait a minute…

That’s right. This calendar is Harry, Ron, and Draco ONLY. And with barely a difference in costumes, poses or facial expressions between them. You hear that, ladies? All your favorites, in one fabulous pinup! So let’s go on a tour. Take it away, January Harry!

I sure hope Voldemort’s fatal weakness is sweaters, because there is a significant amount of sweater happening here.

Ron sees Harry’s sweater, and raises him a bigger sweater. Also, a smoldering glower.

“DID SOMEONE SAY SMOLDERING GLOWER?”

Ah, a picture of Harry lumos-ing. Good times. And apparently he’s gotten sick of standing. While he’s down here, may he interest you in an Earth Day, lllladies?

Ron raises Harry yet another sweater.

“NOW I WILL GLOWER FROM THE LEFT.”

Hey, remember that second time Harry used lumos? Always with the lumos-ing, that Chosen One!

Ron got a little overheated, so he took off his eighteenth sweater. But he will point to a picture of it with his wand, so that you may remember it as fondly as he does.

“NOW I GLOWER FROM THE FRONT ONCE AGAIN. AND YOU SHALL CALL ME ‘ALFO’: SO SPEAKETH THE CALENDAR.”

Ron has now denounced all sweaters and officially switched his wardrobe to the “dandy” setting.

Harry really can’t emphasize strongly enough how proud he is of that lumos charm. Look, even that corner photo can’t stop dreamingly admiring him.

“I CALL THIS MY RIGHT GLOWER. I OWN NO OTHER CLOTHING. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A VERY HAPPY PEARL HARBOR REMEMBRANCE DAY.”

I was going to chuck this thing into the garbage for all the rats to laugh at, but now I think I’ll keep it, so that the sexy men of Harry Potter may glare their angsty joy at me all year round. And lest you feel bad for my dad for providing the source of all this mockery – especially since he occasionally reads this blog – rest assured that his other gift, a Simpsons calendar (because who doesn’t need multiple calendars?), is well in use. And I did get some decent other stuff – including a trapeze lesson, which, like this calendar, will also most likely result in some disturbing photos that I will foist upon you all.

Anyone else receive a real clunker over the holidays?

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9 comments

  1. We got some Cheese Roasting Planks. Yes, I am still unclear on what they are, too.

    We also got an automatic stirring machine for those rare recipes that require constant stirring. The best part? All over the instructions are written warnings in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS saying DO NOT EXPOSE UNIT TO HEAT and DO NOT IMMERSE IN LIQUIDS.

    Yes, that’s right–a stirring device to be put in a pot on your stove that can get neither wet nor hot. If it does, the instructions tell you to throw away the thing it was stirring because it might be ‘contaminated’. I’m thinking it’s made of gremlins.

  2. Um…this is officially my favorite blog post of 2012. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it will probably remain so for the next 12 months even though it made me have to do the “I’m coughing not laughing at a blog” maneuver at work.

  3. Ah in the true spirit of christmas gifts I received a paticularly old maid gift of notlets and envelopes in a fetching blue floral pattern only topped by my husband who much to his horror was the lucky recipient of some handkerchiefs. He truly feels at 31 he is not yet in the realm of handerchief use yet and neither do I washing his underpants is bad enough without recycling his snot rags bleugh!

  4. That’s more like a teen magazine than a calender. I guess if someone were a giant fan of the boys of Harry Potter that would be the calender for them. I usually end up getting a few calenders and I put them all up. So no matter where I am I will know the date or if there is a full moon, or some type of holiday.

  5. I was looking for a 2013 Harry Potter calendar and this blog post came up. I am so glad I clicked on it I have not laughed so much in a long time! I also received this “calendar” last year which made this even funnier as I only lasted till February before buying one I could actually read! Anyway hope you get a better Potter calendar thus year :D

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