Let me squawk at you about television: Project Runway All-Stars – A Night at the Opera

This show is a hot mess and everyone knows it. Project Runway has been noticeably lacking in the past few years as it is (*cough, Gretchensnake, cough*), and taking away our beloved Tim and Heidi is no way to win us back. Hell, I even miss human Cheez Doodle Michael Kors and his feral pet Ninagarcia. At least they yelled! These new judges make it hard to figure out which designers are even in the bottom! (Though Sweet P’s usually a safe bet.)

I was hoping that last night’s “design a gown for a night at the opera” challenge would involve at least one or more Marx Brothers, but I was sadly disappointed. Regardless, here are my thoughts on the episode:

  • Angela Lindvall can’t say the word ’embroidery’; at least, not in the opening credits. Heidi’s at least German – what’s your excuse, Angela?
  • Thank goodness James Mischka has arrived to fill the orange-skinned-judge quota.
  • Michael Costello sure can name opera stars that everyone in the world has heard of!
  • Introducing Kenley and her headscarf, fresh from their Rosie the Riveter gig.
  • The tone in which Joanna Cole delivers her “Hi everybody!” could be roughly translated as, “Where’s my goddamn red carpet?”
  • Joanna asks one of the designers who their biggest competition is, something I can’t picture Tim Gunn ever saying. Joanna wants BLOOD.
  • I think April’s hair color would best be described as: “Dead or Dying Polar Bear”.
  • “No one wants a nip slip. That’s tacky.” Jerrell, he of the Jheri curl and rope sandals
  • Guys, Rami needs encouragement too! He’s a human being!
  • “We’re insulting the world of couture by even using that word to describe this challenge.” – Anthony Williams, unexpected voice of reason
  • Perhaps something is wrong with the designers’ hearing: Jerrell, Sweet P and Kara all heard “Make your models look pregnant,” Anthony heard “Make your model look like she’s attending a toga party,” April  heard “Make your model look like she shat herself,” and Kenley heard “Make your model look like Minnie Mouse got drunk and stole a sewing machine.”
  • “But I made pockets.” This isn’t Project Pockets, Kara!
  • Commercial side note: I think we can all assume Sexting in Suburbia will be sweeping the Emmys this year.
  • Speaking of award shows, Austin Scarlet makes an acceptance speech! Charming! Get the hook.
  • How will the eliminated designers know what to do if Tim Gunn isn’t there to instruct them to clean out their workspace? I picture them just wandering around Parsons aimlessly, picking things off the Neiman Marcus Accessory wall, dancing with the dress forms.
  • Next week: Looks like Project Runway is taking a page from the Top Chef playbook: When things get boring, just add Muppets!

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