Abridged Harry Potter

Will and I caught the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 on TV last night, and we rewrote the epilogue ending, when grown-up Harry is sending his mop-topped spawn off to Hogwarts.

Little Albus Potter: Dad, what if I’m put in Slytherin?

Harry: Albus Severus Potter, you were named for two Headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was probably the bravest man I’ve ever known.

Little Albus Potter: But what if I’m put in Hufflepuff?

Harry: YOU RUN FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HOGWARTS AND NEVER RETURN.

Little Albus Potter: But–

Harry: Don’t even joke about it, Al. You’d be disowned so fast your head would spin.

Little Albus Potter: But if that sorting hat says so–

Harry: You tell that ratty-ass thing to screw itself eight ways from Hogsmeade, then stab it with a basilisk fang. That usually works.

Little Albus Potter: Uh–

Harry: Now, Daddy still has half a roll of galleons to bounce off Uncle Ron’s beer gut, so onto the train you go!

Little Albus Potter: I–

Harry: GRYFFINDOR OR DEATH!

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7 comments

  1. Thank you, Gina, for killing me with laughter. Harry: YOU RUN FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HOGWARTS AND NEVER RETURN.
    Is it bad that I want more abridged Harry Potter? :)

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