Will and I caught the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 on TV last night, and we rewrote the epilogue ending, when grown-up Harry is sending his mop-topped spawn off to Hogwarts.
Little Albus Potter: Dad, what if I’m put in Slytherin?
Harry: Albus Severus Potter, you were named for two Headmasters of Hogwarts. One of them was a Slytherin, and he was probably the bravest man I’ve ever known.
Little Albus Potter: But what if I’m put in Hufflepuff?
Harry: YOU RUN FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HOGWARTS AND NEVER RETURN.
Little Albus Potter: But–
Harry: Don’t even joke about it, Al. You’d be disowned so fast your head would spin.
Little Albus Potter: But if that sorting hat says so–
Harry: You tell that ratty-ass thing to screw itself eight ways from Hogsmeade, then stab it with a basilisk fang. That usually works.
Little Albus Potter: Uh–
Harry: Now, Daddy still has half a roll of galleons to bounce off Uncle Ron’s beer gut, so onto the train you go!
Little Albus Potter: I–
Harry: GRYFFINDOR OR DEATH!