This is a real commercial for a real product.
Actual narration in italics; my commentary below.
“The parakeet. So beautiful, great to look at, and what a wonderful companion.”
This what a live bird looks and sounds like. Keep that in mind during the insanity to come.
“But live birds can be a lot of work.”
“Ew, its head fell off!”
“Well, now you can share that beauty without the mess…with Perfect Polly, the singing parakeet! Perfect Polly is so lifelike, it’s the world’s perfect pet–and it never needs feeding.”
Unlike those whiny ungrateful kids of yours.
“It’s motion activated, so any movement makes Perfect Polly come to life.”
Perfect Polly’s impromptu screeching can trigger a brain aneurysm in seconds!
“Watch as Perfect Polly’s head moves back and forth–along with its tailfeathers!”
The feathers are moving so fast, they appear to be completely still!
IT IS THE MAGIC OF PERFECT POLLY.
“And Polly’s chirping is as sweet and beautiful as a real live parakeet.”
“You’ll get all the joy without the mess or expense.”
“Oh hey, Polly! I’m profoundly lonely!”
“Perfect Polly will touch your heart and brighten any room in your home. It’s actually life-size, and so amazingly life-like, you’ll almost believe it’s real!”
Why, it’s enough to make you forget your lobotomy!
“In fact, even this live parakeet can’t tell the difference.”
“This is clearly a plastic bird. Thanks, asshats.”
“Enjoy Perfect Polly’s company while you’re making dinner or relaxing with a good book.”
Because nothing brings the magic of The Giving Tree to life like the electronic shrillness of a bird-shaped smoke alarm.
“Your entire family will love the fun you’ll have with Perfect Polly, the singing parakeet.”
Perfect for those uncomfortable silences that follow discussions of your disappointing life choices!
“Perfect Polly even makes a great companion for your other pets.”
It’ll stay lodged in their colons till the bitter end!
“It’s ideal for condos or small homes that aren’t pet-friendly.”
The condo board might even be willing to overlook all of those human heads you’ve got in your freezer!
“And unlike real birds, you can turn Perfect Polly off with the touch of a button!”
Simply jam your thumb into its crotch, then sit back and wait for the voices in your head to reemerge…even louder than ever!
“Perfect Polly comes with its own perch, or Polly can just sit on your finger and serenade you.”
Leaving your other hand free for…other activities.
“Live parakeets need a cage, food, and multiple accessories. That can add up to a lot of money.”
And don’t even get me started on textbooks, anti-falcon spray, and those three weeks of parakeet camp!
“But Perfect Polly, complete with perch, is yours for only $14.99.”
“It’s as if we don’t even know how money works!”
“Perfect Polly is also available in blue, red, or purple.”
Matching perfectly the color of your loved ones’ faces when you insist on walking Perfect Polly down the aisle at your sister’s wedding.
“Perfect Polly the singing parakeet is yours for only $14.99, so call and order your Perfect Polly now.”
“What’s that, girl? Set fire to the orphanage? Oh Polly, you always have the best ideas!”