I’ve mentioned in a previous post that sometimes it’s smashing good fun to have a blog, especially because of all of the debris that washes up alongside the normal things like posts and comments and whatnot. Today, I am referring to blog spam, which is of a certain sort that I haven’t seen elsewhere, not even in the clogged filters of my email or the brief weight-loss snippets those faceless spambots spout on Twitter. So entranced have I become, I’ve decided to dedicate a series of blog posts to the study of blog spam, if for no other reason than to reassure the late Lewis Carroll that the spirit of his nonsense poetry lives on and on in the landfills of the internet.
Because this stuff is…inspired. Poetry. Like some poor sap alien got the short end of the galacto-stick, and while all of this colleagues got to explore the universe and probe their instruments into various holes, he was made to sit at a computer and slap together words (not necessarily of the English variety) into incoherent strings that vaguely resemble Shakespearean sonnets, if Shakespeare had been beaten over the head with a lead pipe.
Take, for instance, this nugget of delight. I’ve explained some of its complexities in the footnotes, because not everyone has been lucky enough to be gifted with the skill of deciphering nonsense. My life is mostly nonsense, so it’s somewhat second nature.
You tin ordinate the sheets,1 and racing flags are usable today.2 Randy Starks entirely no more-show for Dolphins3 around Tierce lilliputian small hearts.4 The standards of forethought.5 It is out of the question to recognize what’s young6 approximately befog.7 Allow’s take the comments and questions now.8
1. But I just tin ordinated the sheets last week!
2. But ONLY if they’ve been tin ordinated.
3. Google tells me that Randy Starks is an American football defensive tackle for the Miami Dolphins of the National Football League, which I did not previously know because I don’t watch football, because I don’t care about football, because shut up I just don’t. Anyway, this served to put the whole Dolphins reference into context, which is a real shame because what I’d originally pictured was a pod of dolphins clucking in disappointment due to the no-show of the eagerly-awaited Randy Starks, who I’d previously imagined to be a flamboyant stripper of some kind.
4. Now, given my general ignorance surrounding The Foot Ball, I assumed that Tierce was another player, but au contraire! Google’s top search says that a tierce is a unit of measurement equivalent to 158.987295 liters. So now a family of dolphins is dancing around a 158.987285-liter jug full of small Lilliputian hearts, which I am taking to literally mean the still-beating organs of the diminutive race described in Gulliver’s Travels. The good times have truly begun to roll.
5. Such as, say, the standard of finishing one’s sentence?
6. I could see this leading to a few problems.
7. Befog: winner of the award for Word That Is Delightful And Also Sounds Suspiciously British
8. God, where do I begin?