Me: Here’s the final draft of my manuscript. *prepares to sleep for ten days*
Editor Julie: Thanks! Now all I need are the acknowledgments and we’ll be good to go!
Me: OH GOD NO WHAT WHY
I have written four published books now. I know how the process goes. Yet somehow the writing of the acknowledgments is always a surprise to me, as if I didn’t have gobs of time to write them beforehand, and must now fumble through a panicked gauntlet of gratitude like an Oscar winner delivering a terrible acceptance speech. And of course by this point my writing wells are completely tapped, nowhere near up to the task of throwing together something coherent that’s heartfelt and inclusive yet not a laundry list. I get it done, but I inevitably forget someone. And while it’s better not to waste space by thanking things like TV shows and inanimate objects, I always feel bad for leaving them out, because sometimes they are the things that got me through the writing of that damn book, and they deserve some recognition.
So I’ve decided to keep a monthly running list of the things that I want to thank that probably won’t make the final cut of my next book. The unsung heroes, if you will. Let us all politely clap.
- The triumphant return of 24, for delivering my one true soulmate, Jack Bauer, into my loving arms once more, and for being just as kickass as it was in the days I did literally nothing but plow through the series DVDs, missing countless college parties and other social gatherings in the process.
- Rhubarb, for teaching me that rhubarb is DELICIOUS.
- My front porch, for giving me a nice place to write and silently judge my neighbors.
- The World Cup, for keeping my gasping muscles in shape.
- Greek Festivals, for consistently serving up the most tongue-meltingly divine food against a backdrop of lively music and non-Greeks attempting to dance.
Okay, stop clapping. No thanks go to:
- Food Truck Festivals–or, as they should be called, Waiting In Line festivals.
- The Super Mario Bros. movie, which I saw for the first time a few weeks ago and have been trying to erase from my mind and nightmares ever since.
- The Jesus Christ Superstar concert spectacular starring Johnny Rotten and members of Incubus, Destiny’s Child, and N*SYNC (I am not even kidding) that I was so psyched and so ready to buy tickets for…until it got canceled. Whose fault was this? Was it yours, Judas? WAS IT? GET BACK HERE JUDAS, I CAN SEE YOU HIDING BEHIND THAT PALM FROND.