How To Tell Your Great Aunt Tilly You Wrote A Book About Teenagers And Death

Welp, Croak comes out tomorrow. And having done all the interviews and contests and trailers and whatnots I can think of to promote it, I shall end the marketing blitz with its natural conclusion: a story about old people.

See, once you write a book, one of the first things you’re told to do is SELL IT, BABY. With CONFIDENCE. If someone asks you about it, don’t be shy – launch into a synopsis right then in there, and preferably with several musical numbers thrown in.

But this plan becomes a little muddier when you’re dealing with relatives who don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Now, I have a gigantic meatball lasagna of an Italian family, and they all want to know about this here book that I wrote. Which is great! I really am incredibly thankful for their interest and support. And they are delightful, awesome people. But when it comes to describing the book to them, things get a little…hairy. Especially with the slightly older ones. Because when your book is NOT about puppies and/or rainbows and/or social security, but rather a group of rowdy teenagers who are the very personifications of death, people get a little…what’s the term…put off? Alarmed? Jaw-droppingly horrified?

“Wait a minute. This isn’t butterscotch candy.”

And so what follows is a semi-fictionalized account of some of the painfully uncomfortable encounters I have had over the past couple of years. Great Aunt Tilly isn’t a real person, but rather a composite of the polite, well-meaning people I’ve tried to describe my book to, and…well, ‘failed’ would be the word I use, but I’ll let you be the judge.

Scene: Immediately following a funeral. Yep, really.

Great Aunt Tilly: “Gina, lovely to see you!”
Me: “You too, Aunt Tilly!”
GAT: “Look at all those curls! Didn’t you used to have straight hair?”
Me: “Yeah, in the eleventh grade.”
GAT: “Well, it still looks nice. Big.”
Me: “Thanks.”
GAT: “I hear you’ve got a book coming out!”
Me: “Oh. Yes, I do!”
GAT: “Well, tell me more! What’s it about?”
Me: “Uh…it’s a young adult novel.”
GAT: (nodding encouragingly) “…About?”
Me: “Oh, about 300 pages.” (chuckles weakly)
GAT: “Huh?”
Me: “Um, it’s about teenagers. Fantasy-paranormal-mystery type thing.”
GAT: “Like Harry Potter?”
Me: “Sure, let’s go with that.”
GAT: “But what is the story?”
Me: “It’s…” (anxiously eyeing coffin)
GAT: “Yes?”
Me: “Um-”
GAT: “Go ahead!”
Me: (inaudibly mumbling) “Grim Reapers.”
GAT: “What?”
Me: (more clearly, and now unable to look away from the coffin, positive I’m going to hell for this) “Grim Reapers.”

(pause)

GAT: “What’s a Grim Reaper?”
Me: (nearly falls out of chair) “You…don’t know what a Grim Reaper is?” (left unsaid: “At your age?”)
GAT: “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of that.”
Me: “Um. Well. It’s, uh, the personification of death? Like, the angel of death? The guy in the black bathrobe with the big knife?”
GAT: “Oh.”

(Pause. She looks at the coffin.)

GAT: (smile is now plastered and fake, eyes are wide with horror) “Ohhhh! Well, isn’t that…interesting!”
Me: (wanting very much to trade places with the dead body) “Yeah.”
GAT: “Things are so dark for children these days.”
Me: “Well, YA books have come a long way. Kids can handle the heavy stuff, and adults like them too-”
GAT: “I read Nancy Drew when I was a girl.”
Me: “That’s great.”
GAT: “So when is it coming out?”
Me: “March twentieth.”
GAT: “I’m going to buy one for my daughter.”
Me: “Oh, good!”
GAT: “Her son is turning six and he just loves bedtime stories.”
Me: “Oh. Uh, not that I want to put out any age restrictions, but six might be a little young. I mean, it is about Grim Reapers.”
GAT: “And what are those again?”
Me: (clutches purse tighter) “Death. There’s a lot of death. Swearing, too.”
GAT: (purses lips)
Me: (coughs) “…So the service was lovely, wasn’t it?”
GAT: “How did you come to write about-” (swallows disgust) “-that?”
Me: “Oh, it just sort of popped into my head. I-”
GAT: “You were such a sweet, quiet little girl. Where did all these awful death ideas come from?”
Me: (making exaggerated facial expressions at my sister from across the room, hoping she’ll come over and save me. She smiles and stays put. Jerk.) “I guess I just have an overactive imagination.”
GAT: “I’ll say. Will it be coming out in Large Print?”
Me: “I don’t know. The majority of teenagers don’t have cataracts, so probably not?”
GAT: “Well, I’m going to buy it anyway.”
Me: “Thanks, Aunt Tilly.”
GAT: “What’s the name of it again?”
Me: “Croak.”
GAT: “Crow?”
Me: “No, Croak.”
GAT: (stares blankly)
Me: (louder, into her good ear) “CROAK. Like, you know-“ (draws finger across throat and makes a dead face)
GAT: (eyes widen even further, in yet more horror)
Me: (desperately hoping that no one else AT THE FUNERAL WE’RE ALL AT just saw me do that) “Jesus. Uh, Croak, like the sound that a frog makes?”
GAT: “What?”
Me: (hoping a free gift will end this madness) “Here, have a bookmark.”
GAT: (squints at it, holds it far away, brings it a millimeter away from her glasses, squints again) “Oh, Croak.”
Me: “Right.”
GAT: (looking at cover of book) “Who’s that girl?”
Me: “I don’t know her name.”
GAT: “She looks like you. Is it you?”
Me: “No.”
GAT: “Are you sure?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure.”
GAT: (squints again) “What’s this? Howw-”
Me: “Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. That’s my publisher.”
GAT: “Howton?”
Me: “Houghton.”
GAT: “Hooton?”
Me: “Houghton.”
GAT: “Hofton? I’ve never heard of them.”
Me: “They’ve published a lot of classic children’s books. You know, like Curious George?”
GAT: “I don’t care for monkeys. And what’s this thing?”
Me: “It’s my website.”
GAT: “W…w…w…”
Me: “Don’t worry about it. Please.”
GAT: “Period?”
Me: “Dot. Really, don’t – it’s computers.”
GAT: (purses lips again) “Oh, yes. My doctor’s receptionist has one of those.” (looks at watch) “Oh dear, it’s time to take my pills! I’m having surgery tomorrow.”
Me: “Oh, wow. Uh, good luck?”
GAT: “You too, dear! (hobbling away) Can’t wait to buy the book! Croaked!”
Me: “That’s right!”
(runs off in search of hard alcohol)

So if this masterful pitch hasn’t sold you, then nothing will. Be sure to pick up Croak, on shelves tomorrow*!

*not available in Large Print

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Want more Reaper Madness? Check out these previous posts:

Day 1 – Free Badges
Day 2 – Event Schedule
Day 3 – Blurbs
Day 4 – Adirondacks Facks
Day 5 – Croak trailer
Day 6 – Sample chapter
Day 7 – Goodreads Giveaway
Day 8 – Pinterest Day
Day 9 – Dear Teen Me
Day 10 – Jellyfish
Day 11 – Black Widow Spiders
Day 12 – Final Last Words – Apocalypsies Edition
Day 13 – Interview with the Editor: Julie Tibbott of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt
Day 14 – Interview with the Agent: Tina Wexler of ICM